I have been a long-time rescuer. Since I was a child, I surrounded myself with people in need and offered to help them. I had convinced myself that I was helping everyone. But the truth is I was helping no one and maybe even making it worse. Why? Because I was validating them as a victim. Holding space for their suffering.

Instead, what I could’ve done was hold space for their empowerment. I could have investigated with them and learned why they were where they were. Then, help them see that they can get themselves out of it. I could have offered them a compassionate witness to their life, rather than seeing them as needing my energy.

I’m glad to say I have begun to learn my lesson. Being an intuitive healer with helping guides really helps! They remind me every day that no one is a victim. We are all divinely wise and creating our experiences in order to learn.

So how can you tell if you’re empowering someone versus rescuing someone? Here are a few tips I use for myself to keep in alignment with the truth that I can help you grow as an individual, but I cannot fix anything for anyone.

Check your motives.

This is the first step to helping with anything or offering to heal anyone. Be willing to be honest about this. Maybe even feel into where your body feels tension when you do this exercise.

Why are you doing it? If, for any reason, you’re doing it to change them or to force an outcome, stop! Step back and rethink it. If you have expectations of what things should be like, you’re probably in rescue mode.

Maybe it is more about you than it is them. Does it make you feel lovable to be a rescuer? Do you feel better about yourself when you are a rescuer? Your motives may be more about your need to play this role than it is about the other person.

Check how you’re viewing the person you are helping.

Do you think they’re a victim and that’s why they need you? Helping someone who you think is a “victim” will not help them. Work on viewing them as a divine being creating a divine experience. Then offer them help as another divine being witnessing from the outside what could happen differently.

If you see this person as less than, or incapable, you might be projecting that energy directly into their psychic fields, which really doesn’t help anyone. Try and be curious about what the person is going through. You can honor the suffering and hold space for it, without seeing the person as a victim.

Did they ask you for help?

A lot of times we can’t stand someone else’s pain. So someone may be just telling us a story and we can’t stand that they’re suffering. We have an urge to jump in and make it all better. That’s a sign that the rescuer is trying to come into play.

If you are unclear if someone is telling you something in order to ask for help or to just process with a friend, don’t make assumptions. Ask for clarification instead. Try asking “Do you want me to help you with this or are you just sharing because you need an ear?”

Are you sacrificing for them?

Now I’m not saying giving to another person needs to be limited here. All I’m saying is that if the stakes are really high for you, you might want to check whether or not this is a good thing for you to do in the first place. Do you have the resources within you to help this person?

Does it make sense for you to spend energy on this issue with them or is it going to make you feel resentful and depleted? If you aren’t going to be better off for being present with this person for their struggle, excuse yourself from the situation by gently explaining that you have your own needs to tend to right now.

Are you helping a pattern stay stuck?

If you have witnessed this pattern over and over in a person and you’ve tried to help but it seems like nothing is working, then it may be time to let them find help elsewhere. There may be help around the corner for them from someone or something else. There may be a better solution that you are not aware of and if you take a step back, they could receive their lesson one way or another.

The truth is we’re all human. We all suffer. We all have success. And we do this all by ourselves without the help of the people around us. We don’t need to rescue each other because we are perfect just the way we are.

It’s more about co-creation. Learning to give. Learning to receive. Learning to be helpful. Learning when to be inadequate so someone else’s gifts can shine. Learning to be wise. Learning to need wisdom from others. Learning what you believe. Learning to release judgment. Learning about suffering. Learning about joy. Learning to see each other. Learning to see ourselves. Learning to love each other unconditionally.

So it is.

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